Revisiting Choi to the World

There are some Japanese words that just don't translate well into English, and natsukashi is one of them. To me, natsukashi is a gentle fondness of a memory that you know will never be repeated. One might feel natsukashi when remembering a perfect spring day walking next to the Matsukawa River with cherry blossoms drifting to the ground. This morning I woke up feeling a little natsukashi, remembering my family's time with Choi and his graduation from high school a year ago. So, I am reposting one of my favorite pieces, Choi to the World.

It will take me a few months to get over the absence of brilliant piano music as I prepare dinner in the evenings.  Choi is leaving us after nine months of inhabiting a room in our basement and our lives.  We are sad to see him go.  

Choi is a Korean national who graduated from Carolina Day School a few days ago.  He has attended CDS for three years, living with two other CDS families during the previous two years.  Among his many talents, Choi is a gifted linguist (fluent or proficient in five languages), an amazing pianist, an aspiring badminton player, a brilliant actor, an award-winning mathematician, a divergent thinker, and an encourager of vegetable eating for my seven-year-old.

I am sure that my sons get sick and tired of me asking them questions; it is simply a byproduct of my years as an educator, and I can’t help myself.  So this morning on the drive to school, I asked them what they learned from Choi over the last nine months.  John Kelly thought for a while (I give tons of wait time) and said simply that it was different having Choi live with us.  At first it seemed like a “duh” response, but John Kelly rarely gives simplistic reasons for anything.  After a few leading questions, what he was trying to say was that he learned a lot by being forced to live differently.  Our cozy family of four, with our routines and habits became different when Choi moved in last August.  Changing things up, making things different, is a prerequisite for growth and learning, and this was Choi’s greatest gift to our family.

My children also had first-hand experience living with someone from another country.  This will make them more accepting of others and other cultures for the rest of their lives.  Wow!   We had dinner table discussions about mandatory service in the military (following his freshman year at Dickinson College, Choi will serve in the Korean army for two years like all Korean males), we talked about gender roles and sexism in other countries, we listened to Korean pop wafting up from the basement, we learned that Korean children learn never to question their father (too bad I couldn’t get this going in my family).

Choi also provided inspiration to us all.  John Kelly composed his own piece of music for his recent piano recital because he observed Choi’s love of music.  Charlie learned some better table manners.  Elizabeth and I were reminded that the world is huge and that we can still take risks in our lives.

Last week, it hit Charlie that Choi would be leaving us for good.  He cried himself to sleep that night.  We will all miss Choi, but we send him out into the world with our love.  Choi to the World!

"The Road to Nowhere" and Finding the Right Fit

The “Nowhere” depicted in the film The Road to Nowhere does not refer to college as some may think; I believe “Nowhere” is the college application process.  The principal theme in the movie is that high school, for many students, is not about learning but about creating a resume full of exceptional grades, honors classes, AP courses, extracurricular efforts, community service, and various awards in order to gain acceptance to the highest-rated colleges possible.  Under our current system, students become experts at “doing school” rather than experts at learning skills and long-term knowledge.  This has to change, and there are many courageous schools that are fighting this battle to prepare students for life, not college acceptance.

In the Q and A session following a recent viewing of A Race to Nowhere, Warren Wilson College President, Steve Solnick, made some comments about the college selection process that rang true to me.  He said that the ranking of colleges by students and the ranking of students by colleges has created a situation where too many students end up at the wrong college.  Students should be choosing colleges by best fit, not by attempting to attend the “best” college.  Likewise, colleges should attempt to find students that best fit their college, not attempting to enroll the “best” students.

As Solnick pointed out, the strength of higher education in America comes from the great diversity of colleges.  There are colleges that train students to be athletes, that conduct research, that emphasize particular religious beliefs, that promote outdoor education, that focus on relationships between faculty and students, that require all students to spend a year abroad, etc.  Choosing a college because it outranks another on an arbitrary list inevitably ends up with students at the wrong schools.  

One indicator that students are choosing the wrong colleges is that one-third of all college students end up transferring (Chronicle of Higher Learning).   Of course there are other reasons for transferring than discovering that your “best college” choice in high school was a poor fit, but certainly the lack of fit must be a determining factor for many students who transfer.

Unfortunately buying a seat at a college is under the same marketing and status influences as purchasing other goods and services.  Many Americans drive particular cars to impress others, choose wines because of a name or rating, and wear emblems on shirts and shoes because they are brand conscious.  So, it should come as no surprise that young Americans are susceptible to marketing ploys and status seeking with regards to college.  

This makes the job of conscientious parents and faculty even more important.  We must help our children and students to understand that college is much more than a name on a list and more than a flag that can be waved in front of the world to show how well they “did school."  When any young person says, “I want to go to college at _________,” the adults who love her need to ask why and probe deeply to help her discover the right fit.

On Relationships and Success

I come from a long line of salesmen, and all salesmen know that the best way to make a sale is to build a relationship.  My paternal grandfather spent the early part of his career buying mineral rights all over Texas, Oklahoma, and the South.  While the job could be viewed as buying something, my grandfather was actually selling the dream of riches to poor farmers during the 1920’s and 30’s.  I can imagine him driving the dusty, caliche roads, stopping every few miles to open the ranch gates that that crossed public highways then.  I feel certain that he kept a bottle of bourbon in his car to act as a lubricant to ensure the success of the negotiation.  My grandfather was successful because he could hold a conversation with anyone from the poorest dirt farmer to Lyndon Johnson.  

My maternal grandfather was a sales manager at a Buick dealership for most of his life until he mortgaged his house when he was in his sixties to buy the dealership.  He was also successful.  He knew almost everyone in San Antonio who might have the ability to buy a Buick over his sixty-year career.  He, too, knew how to ask questions and pay attention to the responses.  

While many probably thought that both my grandfathers had some charisma that made people want to do business with them, I don’t think that was the case.  I think they both recognized as young men that they could form relationships that were important to their business by listening.  My father knew this also, as one of the only pieces of advice that he ever gave me was that the key to success is listening.  It has taken me a long time to truly understand what he meant and that the success that he described was not necessarily financial.

I was having a casual chat with a parent today, and she told me that her daughter said that I must study information about students because I always ask them about things going on in their lives.  I admit that she is correct.  I do spend time asking students questions and remembering their answers.  Before the school year starts, I study photos of incoming sixth graders to make sure that I can place a name with a face.  It takes intention and purposeful actions to form and maintain relationships.  

I am rewarded every day with the success of having relationships with students and faculty.  The questions that I ask students and the comments that I make that appear to be casual sometimes take work.  They take the work of me getting out of my own brain and focusing my attention on someone else -- of attempting to see the world from a student’s twelve-year-old perspective, which is every bit as important as my fifty-four-year-old point of view.  I know that the success of these relationships will not show up in mineral rights or the gross profit made by selling a car; the success comes from knowing that my efforts help to create a place where young people can feel that someone is interested in them at a time in their lives when they sometimes feel vulnerable and alone.